and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
