the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
