Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize