i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
