So drunk its hurt
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
