a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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