Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
