I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
