you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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