you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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