I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
