God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
