I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am one with the molecules
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
