my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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