Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize