Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
