wanna go halves on a baby?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
