just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
