im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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