I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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