Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
