Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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