Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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