For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
