mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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