I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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