thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
