So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
