I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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