Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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