i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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