i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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