she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The adults are the big ones right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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