I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize