Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
