We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
