I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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