im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
