Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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