I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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