My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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