I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
