I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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