Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
