you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
