Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
