ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
