I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
PANTIES FOUND
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