you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
