Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
