the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
