capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
