i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
