My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
