Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
