Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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