Don't make out with my wife yet
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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