I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
