You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
