do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
