I think I am morally bankrupt
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
