Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
