That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
