the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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