Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to calm my uterus...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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