I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
