Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
